I never ended up finishing the story of the roadtrip… made some notes, but never finished it. Now that I’m in Thailand, I feel it’s probably only right for me to wrap up that previous journey before getting into my new one. Here goes:

Once we were out of Louisiana and getting into Texas, for the first time on the roadtrip, the geography was noticeably different. We had finally left forested hills and farmers fields, which I would basically say were all we had driven through at this point, and entered dead scrubland, a mix of grasses and desert, that just looked quintessentially like Texas. We had actually made it to the goal of our shittalking fantasy (for that is how this all started, remember.

What do we do once we get there? Take a nap. A 9 hour nap. That’s what happens after 16 straight hours on the road. Dinner was late, but good. Went to a pretty nice Tex-Mex place, and Ii had a deep fried avocado. It was breaded and crispy and buttery and awesome. I need to find a place in Toronto that makes these.

We went to shoot pool that night with our Texan host, Nathan. The service was horrible – the waitress was just incredibly bothersome and unhelpful. I guess what really bugged me about her was how she would pick up my beer bottle every couple of minutes and shake it to see if there was beer left, which left the bottle constantly full of foam. Anyway, she bugged me so much I didn’t leave her a tip. When I told Nathan, about this, he flipped. I guess it makes sense. We were in Fort Jackson, a small Texan backwater home to two bars – a “good” one and a “sketchy” one. Pissing off one of probably three waitresses at the only bar you go to admittedly isn’t good practice, and Nathan went back inside to rectify the situation by explaining that we were Canadians and had never heard of tipping. Luckily, I doubt that our waitress will ever come visit, so it probably doesn’t matter.

A visit to a driving range the next day was in order, if only to prove we could comfortably play golf in T-shirts in December. Then we headed off to, you guessed it, Wal-Mart to stock up on ammunition for the night’s main event. The whole point of this roadtrip was to shoot guns in the desert, and it was really going to happen. Our shooting range didn’t actually end up being the desert – apparently Texas is really big and is only desert in the west. Instead, we went down to the levees of Freeport, just a few hundred meters away from both a huge Dow Chemical plant and a US Army base. Two hardcore NRA rednecks (they’re proud of the redneck title, I’m not trying to put them down) joined us, and showed us a thing or two about shooting. They thought it was absolutely crazy we had never shot guns before, and had a grand old time teaching us and making fun of Canada. At our disposal were three guns, a little handgun of some sort, an automatic shotgun (the first automatic model ever made, apparently a rare and highly prized weapon), and a vintage WWII soviet sniper rifle, complete with period ammuntion, including armour piercing rounds that could shred a fencepost. We shot skeet, beer bottles and all the empty energy drink cans we had accumulated along the way. There were a disgusting number of them. Pavel ended up the shotgun champ, Nate was able to hit an 8 inch target at 200 yards with the sniper rifle, and I realized that I really, really like guns. I just don’t want anyone else to have them.

Anyway, being with these two Texan to the bone, Ron Paul loving, NRA supporting rednecks, the conversation invariably turned to politics. Unsurprisingly these guys thought that the solution to crime was everyone owning a gun, and practicing with it regularly. What really shocked me was how serious they both were about the context of the Second Amendment – they both strongly believed that citizen’s militias are vitally important to protect Americans against their government. They knew their American history very well, and were convinced that when the day comes that the government has to turn the military against its citizens, Texas will be a logical starting place because of all the oil. To this end, these guys made sure they “know the land,” and were able to describe all the places they could hide and pick off soldiers. I “knew” that these people were real, but never really believed it until now. All I can say is thanks Dale and Charlie.. you made our trip.

We went to bed earlyish after shooting, and were on the road by 4am the next morning to make sure we made it to Missouri to party that night. It was nice to see Allison in the middle of nowhere, USA, and we brought her some moonshine in a mason jar Adam had picked up in Kentucky. All I need to say is that it was revolting, and Daniel, who had the most of it, was super hung over the next day. So hung over that on the drive home, I had to keep pulling over so he could puke out of the van. At one point this puking was on a front lawn, and I joked that someone was gonna come out with a shotgun. Instead, they sicced dogs on Daniel. Two big vicious things that charged the van and bit the tires as we drove away. It wa close to being a pretty bad scene.

Somehow we ended up in Chicago that night, and stopped for some deep dish pizza before pulling another overnight drive and arriving in Toronto around 6 am. All in all a good trip, and we learned some valuable lessons:

1. Roadtrips are awesome
2. Hairbrained schemes can actually work
3. Tight deadlines blow

More backdated posts now that I have an internet connection:

We spent our night in Savannah in style, holed up in bedrooms throughout Kim’s mansion out in The Landings, a breathtaking retirement community a few minutes outside downtown Savannah. Sleep came on oh so quickly that night. In the morning we woke up to a real southern breakfast of grits, eggs, and sausage - we even got to feast on red eye gravy. This old cowboy favourite is just coffee mixed with sausage grease. And unlike the grits we had at the Doubletree in Nashville, these grits were buttery and delicious.

What would a trip to Savannah be without seeing the ocean? After our grits and gravy, we explored The Landings a bit (6 golf courses, 2 marinas, and 4000 homes) on our way to the western marina. There, we tried our hand at crabbing, even though we were out of season and our odds were slim. To do this, we basically tied a turkey neck to a metal basket that is dropped to the bottom. Eventually, the basket is pulled up (closing it) and any crabs which may be feeding there are dinner. We didn’t catch any.

The weather being what it was (a balmy 24C), a trip to go swimming seemed in order. A little jaunt over to Tybee Island brought us to huge beaches, warm water, and decent surf. All we had was a boogie board, but that was all it took to have a great time. This was undoubtedly the highlight of the trip so far (although the post-swimming grouper sandwiches were close).

I have to end this section with another comment on the notion of southern hospitality… It is alive, real, and just so AUTHENTIC. Everyone we have met in the south has just been so friendly. So here goes a sappy thank you to Kim and her family for the hospitality. It was much appreciated.

Last night was the most intense part of the roadtrip so far. We finally got loaded into the van at 6:30 pm, and didn’t stop until we reached Texas at noon the next day. Most of the trip was during a snowstorm. Apparently the biggest snowstorm in Lousiana in at least 50 years. I now officially hate both Mississipi and Lousiana and am never returning to either. I will return soon with tales of Texas.

Continuing my backdated posts:

We got to the Georgia Aquarium for opening Tuesday morning. The whale sharks are far and away the most hyped attraction here, so we decided to save that exhibit for last. Touring the rest of the aquarium gave me a favourable impression for sure, but everything was somewhat underwhelming. Maybe it’s just that I tend to be a fish guy, but the emphasis was definitely on big, flashy exhibits. Most of the freshwater collection, for example, was big catfish and sturgeon in huge curved aquariums rather than smaller exhibits showcasing the diversity of fishes for example. My conclusion seemed to be that while Georgia had one of the nicer aquariums I’ve seen, it was no Shedd (Chicago’s aquarium). This all changed when we got to the “Ocean Voyager” exhibit, home of the whale sharks.
The entrance here is a moving sidewalk down a long (30m), clear tunnel directly through the 6.5 million gallon holding tank. This trip took us about 20 minutes each time (trust me, you can’t do it only once), and releases you in the greatest viewing gallery I have ever seen. Everything revolves around the viewing window, apparently the second largest one in the world. It is so big that the four whale sharks swimming around look small. You have to see pictures to understand.

While we were at the aquarium, each of us made the same observation, confirmed to be true throughout the south by many southerners. Everyone down here gets married and has kids really young. The aquarium was full of 21-25 year old moms with their kids, and this hasn’t changed throughout Georgia, Louisiana, or Texas.

We explored Hotlanta for a little bit after we left the aquarium, but an invitation from Kim, one of Adam’s McGill friends, to a barbeque in Savannah, Georgia (just over 4 hours southeast) had us scurrying back to the van and on the road again. We arrived at the Green Drinks social and BBQ around 7:00 Wednesday night, just in time for the last of the pulled pork and fried pickles. The fried pickles are apparently quite popular around these parts, and most of us really liked them (I didn’t). Anyway, Green Drinks was a Georgia based networking group for young professionals concerned about environmental/social justice type issues, so we fit in rather well considering we were from far away. We were overjoyed to learn that pints here were 3 bucks, although that ended up being moderate-upscale pricing according to the locals. Played some beanbags, and then went to drop off the van where it would be safe overnight before getting drunk.

The capper for the evening was a little dive bar, The Rail. This was a great experience complete with all the southern cliches - peanut shells covering the floors, old people smoking cigars, and the local delicacy - toaster hot dogs on white bread. Seriously. They even have a metal tube insert in the toaster for cooking the hot dogs. And the best part – when we were leaving we ordered “travellers”. These are just pints in plastic cups, and you are allowed to leave the bars with them and drink on the streets anywhere downtown in Savannah. You listening, Toronto?

So New Orleans never happened. After driving south for an hour or so from Nashville, we rerouted to Georgia (through Alabama). So it goes.

First stop was Birmingham, Alabama. Our initial impression was that everything was really nice, but all buildings were boarded up. It was like a scene out of a zombie movie or something. The town must have received a ton of money at some point for construction, but nothing was ever maintained. There was extreme poverty everywhere, and the main pastime seemed to be loitering on street corners. We didn’t really know where to go, so we cruised the streets for almost an hour before being directed to the upscale “Five Points” neighbourhood, which includes the University of Alabama and the University Hospital. The high point of cruising the ghettos was definitely seeing an ad for former G-Unit member Young Buck at a ramshackle strip club across the street from a junkyard. For some reason, all the touristy “culture” in Birmingham (the Art and Civil Rights museums) is closed on Mondays, but we still had a good time eating at a local grillhouse and touring the city. It really is a city of many insanely well-heeled churches surrounded by destitution. It’s pretty obvious where the money flows in the South.

We finished Monday by driving to the outskirts of Atlanta and going shopping at Walmart. I’ve never been in the American version of this behemoth before (just the Guelph version), and it is quite a sight to behold. The store is full of anything and everything, and it is all so ridiculously cheap. They even have electric courtesy carts for fat people, naturally Adam rode one the whole time we were shopping there.
Georgia Aquarium first thing tomorrow morning.

Got to a Titans game this afternoon, as it seems that any chance to see the best team in the NFL is worth seizing. The game didn’t disappoint, and those lowly Cleveland Browns got their asses handed to them. And now I can officially say that Americans are as passionate about their football as Torontonians are about their Leafs. And speaking of things people are passionate about here in Nashville, we made it to Tootsie’s (a live music country bar) last night and partied with hick folk. The night life in Nashville is among the best I’ve ever witnessed actually, and the bars and streets were packed in the entertainment discrict. The cool thing here - all the bars seemed to attract lots of people of all ages (above 21). There were even a lot of parents there with their children. People in the south do it differently I guess. We wrapped up the night at a dive that lured us in by blasting Dropkick Murphys music on the street, and we ended up watching a midget star of the Micro Wrestling Federation show off his junk while dancing on the bar. It made Pavel’s trip complete. New Orleans tomorrow…

Made it to Toledo last night, holed up in a really crappy (but at least bedbug free) Comfort Inn for the night, and hit the road early this morning. The weather was horrible until mid afternoon, and we must have seen a crash every 10-15 minutes. The highlight would definately be seeing a car on its roof teetering on a guardrail over Lake St. Clair. Things brightened up midway through Kentucky though, and the terrain was just gorgeous - rolling hills covered in a mix of forest and scrubland, with the odd farmhouse and fields scattered throughout. Got stuck in a ditch getting out of a gas station parking lot, but local Kentuckians are a friendly bunch, and we were out in no time. Back on the road, Pavel knew some folks in Clarksville, TN (through StarCraft back in the day, of all things) and we stopped in for a huge feast. Southern Hospitality is alive and well my friends.

We’re now residing in a way above our pay grade hotel in Nashville for a couple days to see what life is like down here. Gonna catch some live music tonight methinks, and we’ve got tickets for the Tennessee Titans game tomorrow. Thats right bitches - we get to see the best team in the NFL play at home. Also in store is a visit to a rather large and well established creationism museum here. Mocking comments to come….

While Andrew is busying himself touring the horrors of Rwanda, tonight I am embarking with three friends on a little adventure much closer to home. The plan is a 10 day tour of the American Southeast, with stops planned in Cincinnati OH, Nashville TN, New Orleans LA, Houston (area) TX, Birmingham AL, and Atlanta GA. Hopefully we’ll get to do all the cliched stuff along the way (drink whiskey in Tennessee, shoot guns in Texas, ride a Mississippi steamboat, sip mint juleps in Hotlanta), while also checking out all the greasy spoons and little bars that are so quintessentially American. Oh, and the Georgia Aquarium should be a pretty nice way to finish. So wish us luck, and if you have any recommendations for places to visit along the way, post ‘em up. We’re flexible and always looking for something to do.